Getting ready…… NOW COMPLETE

The ultimate Girls guide to getting ready for a big night.

Step 1 – hop into the shower with your trusty (aka rusty) razor. Sit on the cool floor and shave 90% of your body hair off. Make sure the surrounding areas are red raw, perfectly primed for layers of tan in le can. Remove your leave-in masque and finish your shower in cold water after you took so long to shave and shampoo.

Step 2 – Get out and dry off. If you notice any stray hairs, jump back into that cold, cold shower and start again with the razor. Repeat until your skin is hair free, red and inflamed.

Step 3 – Grab your tan in le can. Make sure you wear a plastic cutout of your clothes, so that you dont waste any precious tan (all of ten bucks!). If you’re not planning on wearing clothes, spray everywhere. Use all the tan for maximum effect.

Step 4 – Give yourself ample time to drip dry after all the tan in le can. Also allow 10-20minutes for your ‘trigger finger’ to recover, and regain movability from its numbness. Wander out to the wardrobe to find your attire for the night.Be careful not to touch any walls or the door, as you may smudge. As you walk past the mirror, discover that you have a tigers stripe down the back of your pale white/ghostly leg. Dash back to the bathroom only to remember you used up all the fake tan. To repair the damage (mission impossible) go to the fridge. Grab out a carrot or two, chuck it in the juice maker and use the resulting juice to cover the tigers stripe. Repeat with other half of your leg if necessary, to make them look even.

STep 5 – Go back to your bedroom and hope that the neighbours (especially that hot guy you have been secretly perving on) has NOT, repeat NOT seen you dashing around like a mad hen, with half your body tanned stark naked.

Step 6 – Stand in front of the fan to allow the carrot tan blend to dry. Once dry get dressed, and undressed until you make your mind up.Twirl once in the mirror to check for fashion ‘misdemeanors’. Realize that wearing black undies under a white dress ISN’T a great statement. IMMEDIATELY Go scurrying through your drawers and laundry basket for a pair of skin coloured undies.

Step 7 – Shoes are now the focus of attention. Hot pink pumps don’t really go with a long white ‘beachy’ dress. Finding that you have no shoes that go with it, quickly and swiftly go into your housemates room to ‘borrow’ a set of nice sandals. Wander back to your room.

Step 8 – Glance at the clock and panic. Race into the bathroom, and begin priming your face for makeup. Slather it on. Grab your eyepencil, and begin the long, arduous, task of applying eyeliner. Make sure you poke the same amount of holes in each eye, so they dont look mismatched. Because your eyes will water during this process, make sure you use a waterproof, tear proof, smudge proof liner. Once finished apply mascara without blinking and smudging it under your eyes.

Step 9 – Begin applying foundation, being careful not to smear it down onto your dress. Make sure you properly feather it down your neck, to make sure your neck isn’t a brighter shade of carrot than you face is., or at least to gradually fade into SUPER CARROT! colour. After this is complete grab out your eyeshadow pallette.

Step 10 – Decide whether red, yellow, orange, green,blue, indigo or violet is a suitable colour for the occasion. Pick a colour (eenie, meenie, myni, mo if you must), and find other shades of your desired colour to lightly spread up to your eyebrows, and in extreme cases hairline.

Step 11 – Lips. Grab out your bright red, or black lipstick depending on which look you are trying to achieve. Apply a light coat of gloss and follow up with the lippie. Run like an idiot to your car, only to find your red lippie has melted all over the dash. Now, as you only have one choice, apply the black lippie.

Step 12 – You are now ready to go and PARTAY!. Have a great time, and don;t think about when you have to remove all the gunk from you face. Enjoy!!

I do not recommend any of these methods. This was written as a comedy, and carrot juice is not suitable for tanning. Beautyqueen95