4 yrs, 5 mths ago

Feeling “ugly”.

[Edited post because it was too long and the moment has faded a little so I’m much less wounded about it now!]

Hoping to maybe talk about self-esteem in general in this thread. I know we have a Lift Esteem thread, on how we feel better about ourselves. Maybe this can be a place where it’s safe to have a low moment and not be alone in it.

I got struck today my a moment where I felt really ugly (for really no good reason) and even in my 30s after having a life that gives me no reason to care, it still got under my skin.

Do others have moments like that? How do you deal with them and come out of them?

69 comments 32 voices

Replies

  • 4 yrs, 3 mths ago

    Everyone is beautiful. Inside or out.
    Words can and do stay with you forever.
    Bullying /bullies is there way of saying they are the ones with problems not you / us. ♡♡ elmorules.

  • 4 yrs, 4 mths ago

    Poem Called Of Beauty!

    Look in my eyes, what do you see,
    Beauty of the inner me.
    Deep down in your heart, what do you feel,
    The beauty of a love that is real.
    Touch my hand soft and tender
    Is a beauty that makes you surrender.
    Listen to my words, what do you hear,
    Beauty flowing through the air
    Look around you to your left and right
    All you’ll see is beauty tonight
    Kiss my lips, what do you taste
    A beauty that would never waste
    Run your hands down my body
    While looking into my eyes
    Listen to my loving words
    As my beauty conceals no lies

    Poem by Nancy Amato

  • 4 yrs, 4 mths ago

    I had a school bully. She was a nasty piece of work. I went all the way through primary and secondary school with her. She lived just around the corner from me. She got away with whatever she wanted at school because she was ‘successful’. She excelled at sport and often represented the school, and she was an A grade student. This was a private school, and her parents were ‘generous contributors’. She certainly did a lot of damage to me and my self esteem. She had a lot of friends, but in hindsight they were probably more ‘followers’ than friends. Girls were frightened of her, so they conformed. I was too stubborn and refused to, so I was bullied. It’s people like this girl who I call truly ugly, even though I do agree with MerryGoRound that ugly is a dirty word. But this girl deserves to be called ugly. I haven’t seen her for many many years.

    • 4 yrs, 4 mths ago

      Definitely sounds like ugly is appropriate in this instance. I think ugly is quite a mild term to describe horrible behaviour to others, but definitely shouldn’t be used about how we look.

      Reminds me of a keyring I once had that said “beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone’. I disagree about the beauty part of that statement, because I think beauty is also more about how you treat others than how you look, but the ‘ugly goes right to the bone’ bit is an ideal description of bullies.

      • 4 yrs, 4 mths ago

        “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone’ Yep! Classic Dorothy Parker quote.

        She wrote one of my favourite poems (about suicide).

        Resumé
        Razors pain you;
        Rivers are damp;
        Acids stain you;
        And drugs cause cramp.
        Guns aren’t lawful;
        Nooses give;
        Gas smells awful;

        You might as well live.

        Dorothy Parker

      • 4 yrs, 4 mths ago

        WOW!

        So beautiful, heart wrenching, sad and positive all at once.

    • 4 yrs, 4 mths ago

      Your absolutely right some people deserve to be called Ugly Rose_P this bully you described only cared about herself and how much her parents contributed to the School that made her a bully to those who wouldn`t conform to her way of thinking.

      • 4 yrs, 4 mths ago

        She was just a nasty piece of work. She would mentally abuse her victims. She had a younger brother, and he was a thug. He would physically abuse his victims. Horrible people.

    • 4 yrs, 4 mths ago

      Much better to be ugly on the outside and beautiful on the inside that’s for sure Rose. People who are ugly on the inside usually end up lonely and miserable.

  • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

    I saw a photo of myself the other day and was genuinely taken aback by how terrible I looked. I had left the house feeling confident and cute that day and the photo totally ruined my day. I started questioning myself, is this really how I look? How could anyone else stand to look at me? And I felt so low in that moment. It’s just so easy to beat yourself up sometimes instead of remembering that not everyone is going to take a great picture every time. I’ve been struggling with being overweight forever, the first time I was bullied for being larger then everyone else was in year 2, I’ve been dieting half my life and I never feel good enough, that’s kind of even why I hide behind beauty products and my mask of makeup. So I completely understand where everyone is coming from with this thread and it’s really nice to see you ladies supporting each other and building each other up.

    • 4 yrs, 4 mths ago

      CaitMay: did you ever see the “”fat”” pic of Tyra Banks? I could see that it only looked like that because of the way she was standing & the hidden paparazzi just snapped the pic at the wrong moment. She publicly called them out for calling her fat & told them to think about the message they`re sending to those with body image issues.

      I`ve seen pics of myself that make me want to cringe. There have also been a few (admittedly rare) in which I looked better than I thought. Oh well, my nieces & nephews run to me when they see me. I have my makeup mask too, but I find I`m wearing less makeup overall these days.

      You`re always accepted here, CaitMay!

      • 4 yrs, 4 mths ago

        Thanks Misfortune, sometimes you’ll snap one picture and it will be terrible, and then another picture moments later and it will be quite nice- it’s just life and we have to remind ourselves that no one is perfect.

        I do love my makeup mask, it gives me confidence but I am recently starting to play around with wearing foundations that aren’t quite as full coverage as I’m used to and maybe slightly more natural hahaha

    • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

      Nobody is ever more critical about you than you. You focus on the bits you think are bad, but 9 times out of 10 others don’t see it, or they see it as an asset.

      Bullies aside—they are trying to compensate for their own insecurities by picking on others to make themselves feel more powerful, but this is a serious psychological flaw that needs therapy. Again, there’s a lot of therapy behind that statement, after suffering severe psychological bullying in a workplace about 10 years ago, but I see it for what it was now—that person was so insecure because I and several of my colleagues could have done her job, but she was recruited in as our manager and played us off against each other. I had reservations when she was recruited, which I told our CEO, and I reminded her (CEO) of that later. For kids, its all about fitting in, being normal and not being the odd one out. I suspect if you met your schoolyard bullies now, they would be very sorry for what they did back then and the impact it has had on you.

      • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

        Completely agree with your last paragraph. I`m pretty convinced my high school bully (who was in the same year & had the same friends as me) bullied me for 2 reasons:

        1. He was struggling to come to terms with his sexuality (I strongly suspect he was/is gay; but I haven`t had proper confirmation of that, hence the use of the words “”strongly suspect””) & because he was copping flak for it from other kids (that much I know is true), he felt the need to tear someone else down in order to feel better about himself.

        2. I perhaps had something that he wanted, something that he was lacking. Whether it was looks, intelligence, kindness, a strong sense of self…I really don`t know what. This is only a newer theory/reason, but I guess it aligns somewhat with the first one.

        Regardless, it worked. Looking back now, I know I was already psychologically troubled coming into high school, so his words & actions only added to my internal grief. Thankfully, I`ve only seen him twice since high school & tbh, I never want to see him again. (Although the last time I saw him – over 10 years ago – he did seem somewhat uncomfortable when my mother brought up how much of an a-hole he was back in school, so perhaps some personal growth had occurred.)

        The irony of all this is that he`s now a high school teacher himself. I can only wonder whether or not he`s chatted to his students about bullying & whether he`s had the capacity to reveal that he was once a bully himself.

      • 4 yrs, 4 mths ago

        Your bully became a high school teacher, Seashells? I had some teachers who were immature a-holes – I hope he`s woken up to himself & isn`t one of the bad ones.

      • 4 yrs, 4 mths ago

        Yep, he became a drama teacher. Again, what delicious irony!

  • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

    Ugly is such a dirty word, but it is only once I hit 40 that I realised the damage it has done to me and too many girls all around the world.

    I used to avoid being photographed like the plague, but am less inclined to do so these days. Still not my fave thing, but I’ve learned to live with how I look.

    There’s a verse in a Clare Bowditch song (Your Own Kind Of Girl), which really brings home the issue for me (in fact the entire song is great), but the verse is:

    You’ve been reading magazines again
    Comparing your sweet body
    To the bodies of nature’s longest ones
    Smoothed out with airbrush guns

    And it just reminds me that we all compare ourselves to these unachievable ideals, but in reality they have so many stylists to make them look that way—hair, make-up, clothes, and yes often airbrushed after the fact—but without that most models are actually just as insecure and uncomfortable about their looks as the rest of us. They just have different insecurities, but they definitely have them—including being too tall or too thin and that they don’t fit in in the ‘real world’.

    A friend of mine at uni gave be the biggest compliment once, but again it took twenty years for me to see it as the gift it was. She said something along the lines of when we met in first year she didn’t really see me as pretty, but by the time we’d finished four years together (honours for me, 3rd year for her) she said she thought I was the most beautiful girl in our entire year level. She was talking about the whole package. Not just looks. Not just brains. Not just 1 dimension, but all of them.

    At the time I ‘pfffed’ her away and told her she was being ridiculous, but now I know how genuine she was being (we are still friends 25+ years later) and I realise that in some way that single conversation played a big part in me nurturing the beauty inside me and being less focused on visible features.

    And now I don’t make a fuss if people want to take a photo of me. And I’ve also learned the happier you are with yourself and the less you worry about how you look, the better your photo is anyway.

    Here’s a recent one of me (left) with a fabulous colleague of mine with the birthday (cheese)cake she made for me. We both look fabulous, because we were just having fun and letting it happen, even though we both dislike having our photos taken as a general rule. Do I have puffy under-eye bags? Yes. Do I like them? No. Are they art of me? Yes.

    So… love yourself. Love the body you’ve got. Love how you look. Love your great personality. Love everything that has made you into the person you are (yes, even the a’hole ex and the depression and chronic illness, I’ve been there too). Love yourself and be yourself, there is only one you.

    • 4 yrs, 4 mths ago

      Beautifully written MerryGoRound. You are so right. Ugly really is a dirty word. We are all beautiful in our own way.

    • 4 yrs, 4 mths ago

      Great post, great pic & I love your hair! You rock, Merry!

    • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

      Thank You MerryGoRound for your inspirational Story and your absolutely right in regards to comparing ourselves to models and celebrities that do have a huge team of people around them, including Photoshopping there photos before we get to see them.

      Also celebrities can afford all the cosmetic procedures in the World to keep themselves looking ageless.

      Loving Ourselves is a very hard thing to do and it is something, I know that we need to do not in an egotistical way.

      Totally agree that Ugly is a dirty word and we are all beautiful in our own Way!

      Thank You once again for your inspirational Message.

    • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

      You are gorgeous MerryGoRound, inside and out!

  • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

    I have quite low self esteem myself. It may sound hard to believe but I haven’t taken a “selfie” or have been in a photo for a few years now. I have never been an overly photogenic person anyway, but when I hit rock bottom a few years ago with my overall confidence and self esteem……I avoided photos all together. I guess I just got used to it and just don’t take photos anymore which is disappointing for me. I’m going to make a real effort to start taking photos (not just selfies but family/group photos) more often so I can look back on them and reminisce. I guess life is too short, you know?

    The amount of time in my life that I’ve stressed about not feeling good enough, not looking good enough, not smart enough blah blah blah is an absolute joke! Enough is enough and as hard as it is, I’m gonna start living my best life!

    • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

      Eatasnickers Thank You for your Story and so glad that you are going to take photos again, I am very much like you and avoid having photos taken myself because I never think I look good enough.

      Today I take very few photos of myself, not the selfie type anymore.

      Live Your Best Life sounds like an Awesome Mantra we all need to be more positive regarding ourselves because I know that I am my own worst critic.

  • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

    Yep I always feel like that! In my 20’s I never cared and always thought I looked good and was confident.

    Now I HATE the way I look, I think I look ugly ALL the time. I can’t remember the last time I actually thought I looked really nice.

    Sometimes I do my makeup and think ooo that doesn’t look half bad and when I take a photo I look gross so I avoid them at all costs. For me I think more so since turning 30 I think made me feel like that no matter what I do or how I dress I never feel nice and look good anymore.

    I hardly make an effort anymore these days cos even when I do I look yuck so figure what’s the point plus it’s not like I have anyone to impress.

  • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

    I keep typing things, then deleting. I’ve had moments like this since my teens. I’ve never been beautiful. I often feel that life would be so much easier if I was. I’ve learnt what’s most flattering to me, but it’s my internal monologue that’s the worst of it. There are a lot of things that get me down, but my physical appearance is not at the top of the list.

    Overall, I think that being not beautiful on the outside means I’m not as concerned about ageing as beautiful women are. My sense of identity has always been about my brain, not my face. I have some days when I need to remind myself of this.

    • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

      That is such a good point. You can have all the good bone structure, perfect skin and fast metabolism in the world and it`ll be irrelevant for the majority of your life (edit: I don`t mean beauty is irrelevant over a certain age – I mean its state is impossible to fully control for most of our lives)… and we all age. All that stuff fades, for everyone. I hadn`t even thought of that. And ageing is a funny thing… it changes facial features, too. Being a drop dead gorgeous 24 year old does not mean 20 years later you will look like even the same person; or that in your 30s or 50s you won`t suddenly deal with an issue that still makes you majorly insecure. It`s all temporary.

      I guess it all boils down to a need to feel wanted and desired, as well as a need to feel some level of control over our life. It definitely does remove obstacles. But I suppose there are many obstacles beyond appearance that I never stop and think are not part of my path.

      Sometimes I think part of it mattering is because watching movies growing up I feel like I was always told it mattered. I was a kid in the 90s and I feel like a lot of the time (not always!!) there was still very much a message of “”your story as a woman is unremarkable if you`re not admired for your beauty””. Even female characters that are based around their skill sets, personalities and stories are usually prettied up far beyond what we all really look like.

  • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

    I totally understand how you all feel. I frequently have those ‘OMG I’m so damn ugly’ moments. My mother, sons, daughter in law and hubby all try to reassure me that I’m not, but hmmmm. I take pride in my appearance. I’m well dressed, rarely leave home without make up and doing my hair, my nails are usually done. I found it hardest when I turned 50. I really didn’t want to be 50. I’m 51 now. Deep down I know that age is just a number, so who cares. I honestly can’t tell you why it bothered me so much. I have suffered from depression and anxiety, as well as numerous other health issues. You wouldn’t know to look at me.

    Dealing with ‘ugly’….I try to distract myself by doing something else. I take the dog for a walk. Listen to some upbeat music. Get some make up out and experiment. Catch the bus to the local major shopping centre and get my nails done. When I’m in the right frame of mind, I can clearly see that ugly really is a very strong word. But when I’m not, OMG it’s just so hard isn’t it.

  • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

    I have my moments where I feel ugly too. I don’t know where it all stems from – it’s a combination of several factors methinks – but it can strike without warning.

    I had one of these moments last Wednesday; where I felt despair over the way my skin looked at the time. It still kind of looks like this, but thankfully the darkened spots I have on both cheeks are starting to diminish. Every time I went to the bathroom, I couldn’t stop looking at my face & how horrible it looked – those spots, the prominent broken capillary I have on the left side of my nose, all the pigmentation I have courtesy of sun damage, another bits of redness in my face….man, I felt every bit my 35 years and then some. Of course, a little something called PMS had a lot to do with my mood too, but all of this led to me feeling downright crappy about myself.

    So what did I do? First, I tried to meditate. Didn’t quite work, but it sort of quelled the internal chatter. Secondly, I wrote down how I was feeling in my journal (which I don’t do often these days, but it can help a bit when I do) and funnily enough, that took off a large portion of my mental & emotional weight. Then I distracted myself by cutting up some bubble wrap (don’t ask) whilst playing some music & singing along to it (in my case, the Garbage song “Only Happy When It Rains” – lyrically it felt kinda apt for my mood). All of those things equated to me being in a better headspace by the time I went to bed that night, with a vow to indulge in some self-care in the days to come.

    What I’m trying to say is there’s no one size fits all approach to making yourself feel better. It can take a multitude of things to quell the internal chatter – take this from someone with an anxiety disorder who’s still learning what anxiety-fighting tools work best for her – but the most important thing is that you remember that you’re not alone in feeling like that & that you take time to work through & figure out what made you feel that way.

    Once you do, then take time to nourish yourself in a way that works for you – do your nails, get your hair done, take a bath, meditate, whatever. Do all of those things if they appeal to you! Also, as has been mentioned, complimenting others does a world of good and it’s a win-win situation for both parties. I know I feel good giving out compliments and I’m sure the receiver feels good to hear it.

    In the words of Christina Aguilera: we are beautiful, no matter what they say.

    • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

      Seashells was reading your very inspirational story, I also have a prominent broken capillary on the right side of my nose and nothing I do seems to cover it up, even using concealers.

      For me it was very hard to accept compliments because of the negative way that I thought about myself, great quote from Christina Aguilera “” We are all Beautiful, no matter what they Say””.

      • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

        I`m lucky in that I can cover mine up with makeup for the most part, but I just can`t be bothered doing that every single time I leave the house. I think I`ve inherited my mother`s pragmatism in the sense that I don`t care if the world sees me with all my skin flaws day-to-day. Maybe watching her not give a damn if people saw her sans makeup (despite her own skin flaws) gave me the same confidence. For the most part my skin concerns don`t bother me, but every now & again they do.

      • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

        Margi59, you might want to look into laser removal for that broken capillary if you find it bothers you. I had it done on some of mine and it is fast, immediately effective and not that expensive. Sometimes, even if it’s something others don’t notice, if it bothers you and there is an easy remedy it can be worth investigating.

      • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

        My dermatologist has suggested this to me (it`s on offer at the clinic I go to for my annual skin cancer checks), but unfortunately I don`t have the money up my sleeve (I`ve been quoted around $1000 for treatment) and even then I`ve been told it`ll only reduce the appearance of it by about 50%. Still, I suppose 50% is better than having it be so prominent. One of these days I`ll end up doing it.

      • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

        Thank You for your advice Chicklet will definitely see if I can find out how much it is and if there is a professional Beauty Salon near me, that does that type of Laser Work.

    • 4 yrs, 5 mths ago

      Bubble wrap and Garbage sounds like an excellent method to me 😀

      Oof I get the same way about my skin if I stand too close to the mirror for too long. At a distance I can handle my skin… but too close, I start to see every pore that should be smaller, every bit of discolouration, and I start to wonder how people even look at me. When ironically I don`t look at anyone else that way. I barely notice when people have a new haircut, let alone whether they have a spot here or there. Because the impression we have of others is set by how they made us feel, and how checked-in they looked that day, not whether they covered a small “”imperfection”” or not!

      I`m really glad to hear I`m not the only one in their 30s still dealing with these moments.

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