How to make sure your breakup stays broken

In some instances, breaking up is easy. It's the staying broken up part that's hard.
Although arguably the best time of year, December is also breakup season. Breakups tend to spike before big events, which makes sense. What's the point of introducing someone to your fam at Christmas lunch if you don't see a future with them?
When you made the decision to break up, you probably had a list of cons that left you certain you were ready to move on to bigger (wink, wink) and better things. But the first time you're feeling lonely and need some love (read: validation) you'll see yourself sliding down that slippery slope straight back to the sub-par relationship you just got out of.
Luckily for us, we were able to speak to Christine Devoy, a therapist with a masters of social work and over 30 years experience, to find out how to keep our breakups broken (for good this time).
RELATED: 11 people share how they healed after heartbreak
RELATED: 10 signs you're in a toxic relationship
Even though I know this relationship isn’t working, why do I keep going back?
"We all do things that we know aren't good for us, such as eating too many desserts or drinking too many martinis!" Preach Christine. Preach.
"Our motivation for doing anything is complex, and not always what we think it is. With relationships, this is often the case," she explain. "We can be attracted to someone who brings something to our life that we may be missing, such as excitement or risk, or someone who subconsciously reminds us of a significant person in our early life. We might subconsciously be trying to be our own person and choose someone very different than our family or friends, or be unaware that we are creating a similar relationship to our parents."
"Whatever the motivation, we are gaining something from being in the relationship, even one that 'isn't working for me.' Add to this that the end of any relationship is a loss; the loss of what you were hoping you both could become as a couple and the loss of the parts of the relationship that were working. We are all human and we tend to be uncomfortable with change and will put up with a lot of pain and discomfort to avoid making significant changes. And walking away from a relationship is a significant change. Of course, there can be more than just personal reasons that keep people returning to unhealthy relationships. In our society, its still easier in many ways to be in a relationship; yes, even in 2019"
If we can’t stop going back to each other, does that mean we should get back together?
Once again, this depends on your motivations. Christine says, "If you can’t stay away because you’ve realised that the relationship is actually good for you, then go for it. If this isn’t the case, and you are pulled together by your loneliness or grief, work on the above. Time, support of others and focusing on your own life will help you move on."
Can I be friends with my ex straight after we break up?
Ah, the age-old question - can anyone really be friends with their ex? Christine thinks some can, but you have to be conscious of timing.
"Some people can be friends with their exes, but few can do this immediately. If you are struggling with the loss of the relationship, this is a time of high emotions, not comfortable friendship. Until you’ve moved beyond this, you will be filled with ambivalence about your ex, the relationship and your decision. This isn’t the time to be buddies."
Should I cut off my ex completely?
Timing truly is everything, but most signs point to yes. "If you struggle with moving forward, you may need to take a break from contact with your ex. During a time of loss, you need to do what will help you. If contact with your ex heightens your ambivalence and distress, you may be better off taking a break until you are feeling stronger."
How do I keep some distance from my ex if we have mutual friends?
Christine says to not expect these kinds of situations to be easy. "You need your friends’ support to get through this challenging time. But they have a relationship with both of you, and are in the middle. You may want to miss out on some of the social events with groups of friends if your ex is present. A good friend in your group can let you know when your ex will be present, so you can decide. With time, you may be able to be part of the same social group. But be prepared to potentially lose some friends after the break up. Focus on the friendships that add value to your life, and the friends that help you through this difficult time. Spend time with small groups of friends and friends not in your ex’s group."
What are your top tips for making sure your breakup stays final?
If you're reading this article, chances are you want your breakup to last. These are Christine's 10 top recommendations to ensure you don't fall back into old habits:
- Be kind to yourself; this is a time of loss.
- Be aware that there will be better and worse days, hours and minutes. You will feel stronger slowly over time.
- Have a buddy system; someone to call when you are overwhelmed or tempted to call or text your ex.
- Try meditating to handle your emotions; there are some good apps or classes available.
- Draw on your own strength; ask yourself or those close to you how you have successfully coped with past challenges. Use that strength now.
- Don’t feel guilty if your ex wants to be friends and you aren’t ready or able. You need to focus on what works best for you.
- Put more energy into other areas of your life, and less on this relationship.
- Avoid drinking or other forms of coping that will make your life harder in the long run.
- Focus on the important things in life: sleeping and eating well, exercising, spending time with supportive friends and family.
- If you can’t move forward and find yourself going back time and again to an unhealthy relationship, seek professional help to break this pattern and move on in your life.
How do you make sure you're not tempted to fall back into an ex's arms?
48 Member Comments
hhh My name is Jackie, I never thought I will smile again, My husband left me with 3 kids for 2 years, All effort to bring him back failed I thought I'm not going to see him again not until a friend of mine told me about a spell caster called Dr. Agbazara, She gave me his contacts and I contacted him and he assured me that within 48hours my husband will come back to me, After i did all he asked me to do, in less than 48hours my husband came back started begging for forgiveness and he came back with much love and care, so I'm still surprise till now about this miracle, if you need any assistance from him you can contact him via:email: ( a g b a z a r a @ g m a i l . c o m ) or WHATSAPP ( +234 810 410 2662 )
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 1
SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP ONLINE WITH A TRUSTED AND RELIABLE SPELL CASTER. Email: odungaspelltemple@gmail.com
My name is Jenny Sanchez and i am very happy to doctor Odunga for helping me get my ex husband back and this made me very excited that i came online here to post about his work. I made a promise to him that if he got my ex husband to me in 2 days, I will make a great testimony and bring many people who need help to him for help. His spiritual temple is in Africa and he has been helping so many people. He is a great spell caster and can help you no matter where you are. My husband Peter is now back with me and this spell caster brought my husband back to me in 2 days, someone who left me for 4 years now. Can you please contact this man? He will help you and you will see. His temple Email is odungaspelltemple@gmail.com
FIX THE FOLLOWING PROBLEMS TO ALL ACROSS THE GLOBE ON:
Get your ex back spell Lottery Spell Money spell Pregnancy spell Prosperity spell Protection spell Get a huge loan without paying any fee spell Long life spell Freedom From Prison spell Love/Reunion spell Marriage spell Popularity spell Killing/Revenge spell Healing spell
Contact HIM of any of these today at: EMAIL: odungaspelltemple@gmail.com OR Call and WHATSAPP HIM +2348167159012
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
Strong And Powerful Love Spell To Win Your Ex Back.. I have decided that i am going to spend the whole day on the internet just to make sure that a lot of people are able to read this my testimony about Dr.Ayoola who is a powerful spell caster, After been abandon by my Wife i was so lonely that very day that i decided to go through the net for some relationships tips, I never knew that this was the road map that will secure the return of my Wife. After reading a lot of tips on how to restore my relationship in a more better way i discovered that Dr Ayoola has a lot of recommendation than other spell casters, So with this i had my mind made up that Dr Ayoola was the right person to help me in getting my Wife back to me, And i contacted Dr Ayoola through his details which i saw on the internet and i was so happy that i chose to work with Dr Ayoola because his work was 100% perfect and the spell brought my Wife back to me with fast relief you can also contact him for help now email drayoolasolutionhome@gmail.com or contact info@drayoolasolutionhome.com or call him on whatsapp +31684065675 or website https://drayoolasolutionhome.com/
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
My purpose out here today is to share this article to the world about how Doctor Odunga helped me in getting back my EX-boyfriend that broke up with me 4 months ago. I tried all i can to make him see reasons with me so that we can continue our relationship but he denied me. Thank God for giving me the thought of going into the internet for help, i searched properly and i saw different reviews of Doctor Odunga and i insisted in giving it a try by contacting him via what's app on (+2348167159012). He gave me reason to live again and he prepared a spell and told me that my Ex-boyfriend will come back to me within 28 hours. Can you believe it, my EX-boyfriend came back to me and our wedding will hold Soon. Contact him now!!! if you need any help. Email: odungaspelltemple@gmail.com and he does a lot of spells. Once again i want to say am very grateful for your help
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
Sincerely i was so crushed Sincerely i was so crushed when my Husband of 8 years left me and moved to Quebec City to be with another woman.The pains was just too much for me to bear that I couldn’t just bear it anymore. So i had to reached out to the Internet for help until i found out that Dr. love was the real deal.. I had tried the whole lot I knew, and with your spells, blessings and extraordinary magical powers, you did all the work for me, which you have guaranteed me positive result in 48 hours, my Ex Husband came back to me and he was remorseful for the whole lot he has done And now my life is balanced and i am happy again. Dr Love you do a great service to people. Friends in case you need the help of Dr Love kindly mail him on (lovespelldoctor0@gmail. com)
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
I don't understand why some women keep going back to bad relationships.
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
Ugh, break ups. I am not good at them.
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
Another heavy article
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
interesting article, I broke up with my ex of 9 years 3 months ago he's still my best friend though.
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
I feel for anyone currently going through this.
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
Relationships are so complicated...
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
I don't think you can remain friends with an ex personally.
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
Great advice and tips. Recently broke it off with someone and they are trying to be nice again.
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
Great advice...
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
A clean break up is best.
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
A very good read, thanks.
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
Each couple's case in individual , I have seen some really bad breakups
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
Been there so many times, getting back with the ex. Now I am actually very good friends with them, when I see them, but no further 'contacts' as I do have some pride.
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
Oh the dreaded drunk dial. Thankfully I don’t need to worry about that anymore.
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 1
Very helpful advice
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
I've always had clean breaks (luckily) and moved on.
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
Also Zoë Foster Blake’s Break-up Boss app is the best rational support you’ll find! $10 very well spent.
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
I am forever grateful to a couple of my friends who give me a heads-up about whether my ex will be somewhere.
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0
Complete break is best
- Log in or register to commentReply to comment
- Likes 0