My pending relationship failure

TheUglyDuckling, how is everything going, hun? Thinking of you and hoping things are working out for you! Xx

Ditto girl!

TheUglyDuckling, how is everything going, hun? Thinking of you and hoping things are working out for you! Xx

Duck, you’re sleeping in different bedrooms? Sex is important for bonding, not just its own sake. I’m not in the relationship, nor a counsellor. I don’t know.
Things seem to be slowly coming together: you’re communicating, he’s got a job.
We’re all still pulling for you.

Hi *Ugly Duckling*! I’ve been following this thread silently as well and in my head I have replied countless times but never had the courage to write it. I know that by replying I will have to share personal details that I’m not comfortable to talk about online but hopefully my story will help you and others.
On your first post, you mentioned your relationship problems especially your husband having a hard time adjusting to a new city and you losing your job after just getting married.
I’d like to share my story for you to see it in a different view as your situation is somewhat like mine but the other way around.
When I came here to Australia almost 3 years ago, I was able to get work in just one month but my husband unfortunately haven’t had permanent work until now. It’s very hard for the two of us, adjusting as a newly married couple, husband getting frustrated, me trying to cope to a very new environment and not to mention my grandparents dying within a year of me coming here.
It was very hard financially and emotionally! There were arguments and loneliness. It can get very frustrating especially when you’re always confronted with expenses and your pay is gone before you can even touch it. That’s when you want help from your partner as you just feel very drained trying to keep up with everything. There were arguments and even came to a point that we both just wanted out. We only lasted a night apart and decided we’ll battle this through together. For every frustration though, I can see that he does try to make up for his misgivings. Simple things that makes the unbearable bearable like he’ll prepare my breakfast and lunch bag if I’m running late. Letting himself be my sponge when I have to vent out all the stress I get from work. Telling me how much he appreciates everything I’m doing. Little things that makes me appreciate him as well and keeps me strong to stand by with him during tough times.
He has now also developed a full blown depression where he gets panic attacks and can last for days or hours and can happen any day any where. For someone who hasn’t been exposed to this kind of illness, it’s very scary and trying to be strong for your other half is very hard. This monster is very real and you need a partner that’s willing to be educated and understanding enough to help you get through every bad episode.
And funny enough, the mental abuse you’re experiencing made me remember my ex who can still give me shivers just thinking of him. Being told you’re not good enough regularly can really dampen your self-esteem. I’m a fun loving person but with him I really changed to the point that I’m so scared to even say or do the wrong thing when I’m with him. I sticked with him for a year thinking he needs me and his life will be a lot worse if I leave him. I was young and naïve and didn’t realize he was just manipulating me right from the start. I wished I listened to my gut instincts right from the start and saved myself from losing my identity. It took me a year to recover and believe in myself again.
So that’s my story to tell, only you can tell if the mental abuse you’re getting is something you have to get away from as soon as you can or if it’s a result of all the stress you two are experiencing at the moment and something that you can still work on.
We do say things that we wished we didn’t say when we’re angry but it’s different when the other person just wants to “kick you when you’re already down.”
Listen to your heart and it’s best to listen to it when you’re alone and when you’re in a calm and peaceful mood.
You do go to counselling together so it may mean that he’s willing to make things work between the two of you. They say communication is the key but listen to the unspoken words and look for those unnoticed acts that can be acts of kindness and love from him that you just can’t see at the moment as you’re currently blinded with sadness and frustration.
I do wish you well and know that your BH family is here caring for you.
Lastly, I suggest ARCVic if you want someone to talk to. They’re very good and actually listens to you and gives you helpful advice when it comes to anxiety. we had bad experiences with Lifeline but ARCVic is really good and even sent us information how to cope with panic attacks.
If you’re in Victoria, they offer support groups that can be really helpful for you.

http://www.arcvic.org.au/

Sorry, for the very long reply but I hope this has some value to you and to those who took the time to read this post.

Hey Smiling (sorry, I couldn’t see the rest of your BH name). Thank you so much for taking a deep breath, being a part of this forum and sharing your story with us. The toughest part in both our (as in you and I) ventures is the adjusting to a new life in a marriage, our husband’s frustration, your adjustment to a new environment, grief and all of a sudden WHAM! It’s one big mess.

Your husband has (I assume) acknowledges his depression and anxiety, a very real and scary issue, which is the biggest leap of all. I’m there, my Mr Man is not. We are only at the very beginning of our mess, and I recognise it’s going to get tougher if we are to repair. When I look at the series of events on the screen, I can only say it lends a whole new perspective (at least, it has for me). And in retrospect, when you look back on these events that has led me to today, I could see it all culminating to this point of disaster, however I had no control over the behaviours of my husband. And ironically, I’m okay with that part, it’s the consequences of the poor behaviour I’m not okay with. But I’m still here trying to understand, to see whether it is redeemable. You and your husband are still there, you’re working with it and through it every day, with very scary issues that peak and trough.

You and your husband are an inspiration for those who think marriage in these times are just like in the movies, that it’s meant to be easy, that the first couple of years are all just gorgeous. You have provided realism to your love story because despite your hard times you both still stuck it through and you’re still working on it. And I have nothing but the deepest respect, admiration and thanks for you taking that breath and sharing. It validates my choice to wait as I get my strength back to see whether this is something I can, apologies, we can salvage.

To give everyone an update on what’s been going on lately, Mr Man has secured a job with my help, and I am very proud of him. His confidence in himself is low but I know he can do this. It is absolutely what he needs for himself. He also gave me a sincere apology this week however he still hadn’t realised exactly why I was angry and upset, so I shared that with him (as succinctly as I could without getting too emotional, which was admittedly very difficult). We are still in separate bedrooms, even though he feels now he has apologised that should wipe the slate clean. As for me, I’m still taking every day as it comes. My darling dog is with me every night, she sits with me even as I type. I try to do something positive every day (read, catch up with a friend, home mani, baths, candles, walks, etc.) to make me feel good about me as a person. Sleep still eludes me, but hey, you’ve got to have a goal.

Thank you Smiling for taking a leap. I hope you and your husband are loving Victoria. And if your husband has one of those moments at home, my hot tip (and it’s a weird one) is to keep two large metal spoons in the freezer. When the moment strikes, put them on your face or pulse points. It’s a quick shock to the system and helps to regulate your temperature without dousing the body in cold water, or using anything that may irritate the skin. Plus they’re easy to clean and don’t take up much room.

Hugs x

I’ve just caught up on everything since my last post…

All I can say is, I’m in awe of the kindness, honesty, love and support in this thread, as well as caring expressed for fellow BH’ers.

I’m so very sorry that some of you have gone through what you did, but thank you so much, to all of you, for sharing your story. You are all very inspiring.

I’m glad that things have changed so much for the better for some of you. And for those of you currently navigating rough seas, I hope things have improved, in any shape or form, in your lives. Particularly for you, Ugly Duckling.

Hugs to all of you.

xx

Hi Ugly Duckling! I’ve been following this thread silently as well and in my head I have replied countless times but never had the courage to write it. I know that by replying I will have to share personal details that I’m not comfortable to talk about online but hopefully my story will help you and others.
On your first post, you mentioned your relationship problems especially your husband having a hard time adjusting to a new city and you losing your job after just getting married.
I’d like to share my story for you to see it in a different view as your situation is somewhat like mine but the other way around.
When I came here to Australia almost 3 years ago, I was able to get work in just one month but my husband unfortunately haven’t had permanent work until now. It’s very hard for the two of us, adjusting as a newly married couple, husband getting frustrated, me trying to cope to a very new environment and not to mention my grandparents dying within a year of me coming here.
It was very hard financially and emotionally! There were arguments and loneliness. It can get very frustrating especially when you’re always confronted with expenses and your pay is gone before you can even touch it. That’s when you want help from your partner as you just feel very drained trying to keep up with everything. There were arguments and even came to a point that we both just wanted out. We only lasted a night apart and decided we’ll battle this through together. For every frustration though, I can see that he does try to make up for his misgivings. Simple things that makes the unbearable bearable like he’ll prepare my breakfast and lunch bag if I’m running late. Letting himself be my sponge when I have to vent out all the stress I get from work. Telling me how much he appreciates everything I’m doing. Little things that makes me appreciate him as well and keeps me strong to stand by with him during tough times.
He has now also developed a full blown depression where he gets panic attacks and can last for days or hours and can happen any day any where. For someone who hasn’t been exposed to this kind of illness, it’s very scary and trying to be strong for your other half is very hard. This monster is very real and you need a partner that’s willing to be educated and understanding enough to help you get through every bad episode.
And funny enough, the mental abuse you’re experiencing made me remember my ex who can still give me shivers just thinking of him. Being told you’re not good enough regularly can really dampen your self-esteem. I’m a fun loving person but with him I really changed to the point that I’m so scared to even say or do the wrong thing when I’m with him. I sticked with him for a year thinking he needs me and his life will be a lot worse if I leave him. I was young and naïve and didn’t realize he was just manipulating me right from the start. I wished I listened to my gut instincts right from the start and saved myself from losing my identity. It took me a year to recover and believe in myself again.
So that’s my story to tell, only you can tell if the mental abuse you’re getting is something you have to get away from as soon as you can or if it’s a result of all the stress you two are experiencing at the moment and something that you can still work on.
We do say things that we wished we didn’t say when we’re angry but it’s different when the other person just wants to “kick you when you’re already down.”
Listen to your heart and it’s best to listen to it when you’re alone and when you’re in a calm and peaceful mood.
You do go to counselling together so it may mean that he’s willing to make things work between the two of you. They say communication is the key but listen to the unspoken words and look for those unnoticed acts that can be acts of kindness and love from him that you just can’t see at the moment as you’re currently blinded with sadness and frustration.
I do wish you well and know that your BH family is here caring for you.
Lastly, I suggest ARCVic if you want someone to talk to. They’re very good and actually listens to you and gives you helpful advice when it comes to anxiety. we had bad experiences with Lifeline but ARCVic is really good and even sent us information how to cope with panic attacks.
If you’re in Victoria, they offer support groups that can be really helpful for you.

http://www.arcvic.org.au/

Sorry, for the very long reply but I hope this has some value to you and to those who took the time to read this post.

concerned that you call yourself ugly duckling – red flag there!
i’m a straight shooter so get ready. You don’t have ptsd, you had a car accident. do you have anxiety or just comfortable to put labels on everything? The more successful we become the easier we expect life to be. well suck it up princess – take a deep breath – and face the things that are bothering or scaring you one thing at a time. Hubby needs to take some responsibility for his behaviour and expectations, so you took the dog for a walk….big deal. don’t worry I’m not against you or having a go, but as a successful (?) professional you need to grow up. a job does not define who you are, it allows you to live a certain way. who said the marriage was over…like anything else there is an adjustment period where we lay the ground rules and foundation of what is to come. life is not a fairy tale. you don’t get married and live happily ever after. you have to have realistic expectations. your husband has moved for you and has to make a fresh start. everything he knows and is used to doing has changed, and the same is true for you. you can walk away or you can be strong and face what happens. as long as you keep moving forward you can feel a sense of pride and achievement in what you do. I know ..I have been in a far darker place and battle my demons almost daily, but I am a survivor and I am proud of the things I have achieved. as the saying goes….life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get….so if you don’t like one thing CHANGE IT! pick another. there are options in life and the way you face them and deal with them defines the person that you are. do you go to the supermarket and pick a brand of item that you like over other brands? then that is a choice that you make. it may seem silly, but is the basis on which you could base the rest of your life. do you want to stand in the laundry isle forever, or do you want to make a decision and then move to the chocolate isle. small achievements add up, and with each little win, the next one is easier. take it easy girl, change your user name and get ready for a whole new life! we are behind you!

I’m a straight shooter too!

I find it laughable that you compare someones life issues to shopping in a supermarket and discount their experience with mental illness, that’s not ok. Ever.

Don’t worry, I’m not against you or having a go, but as someone who clearly knows so much about life should know how to give constructive criticism without sounding so passive aggressive.

Our Ugly Duckling knows full well that life isn’t a fairy tale, she’s been through the wringer and has just come out a little flat this time and looking for a few hands to help her back in to shape and from one ugly ducking to another; not only am I going to help her get back in shape but I’m going to shoo off any wannabe swans who come pecking in her field.

We don’t stand for nastiness here.

Not sure how helpful this is but a friend and former coworker of mine gave me a lot of relationship wisdom in the past. He told me about this book that he said fixed his relationship with his mom. I didn’t personally read it but the idea of the book is that there are five love languages: Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, and Gifts. Everyone speaks at least one of these languages, and it’s how we express our love. With this knowledge my friend realized how his mom expresses love, and how he expresses love, and why they could never get along.
He further told me that the reason many relationships fail is because at the beginning you try and speak all the love languages to make your partner happy. But once you’ve been in the relationship a while you revert back to you natural language(s).
Just some food for thought, I guess.

*Danniro*, I’ve heard of this book but I don’t have the name of it! Do you know it at all?

I think she’s referring to ‘The Five Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman 🙂

I have this book and it is spot on. Sometimes you feel like you’re giving and giving, but what you’re giving isn’t what the other person needs. It’s exhausting and unfulfilling for both of you. In my past relationship the person used to give me lots of material things, but it wasn’t what I wanted – I just wanted quality time. He wanted acts of service – he felt loved when I did things for him – but I had cancer and could never seem to do enough. It just didn’t work. My fiance and I are very much on the same page, and know what means the most to each other – a touch, a kind word, and some “just us” time. It’s less effort for more reward.

Thanks for sharing this book! It sounds like an interesting read! I just researched this online and there’s actually different versions like for kids, teenagers, singles and for men.
Ugly Duckling maybe you can give one to your hubby. If he’s a keen reader this will be a perfect gift for him.
It’s currently discounted to $17.50 at booktopia.com.au if you want to check. 🙂

http://www.booktopia.com.au/the-5-love-languages-men-s-edition-gary-chapman/prod9780802473165.html

concerned that you call yourself ugly duckling – red flag there!
i’m a straight shooter so get ready. You don’t have ptsd, you had a car accident. do you have anxiety or just comfortable to put labels on everything? The more successful we become the easier we expect life to be. well suck it up princess – take a deep breath – and face the things that are bothering or scaring you one thing at a time. Hubby needs to take some responsibility for his behaviour and expectations, so you took the dog for a walk….big deal. don’t worry I’m not against you or having a go, but as a successful (?) professional you need to grow up. a job does not define who you are, it allows you to live a certain way. who said the marriage was over…like anything else there is an adjustment period where we lay the ground rules and foundation of what is to come. life is not a fairy tale. you don’t get married and live happily ever after. you have to have realistic expectations. your husband has moved for you and has to make a fresh start. everything he knows and is used to doing has changed, and the same is true for you. you can walk away or you can be strong and face what happens. as long as you keep moving forward you can feel a sense of pride and achievement in what you do. I know ..I have been in a far darker place and battle my demons almost daily, but I am a survivor and I am proud of the things I have achieved. as the saying goes….life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get….so if you don’t like one thing CHANGE IT! pick another. there are options in life and the way you face them and deal with them defines the person that you are. do you go to the supermarket and pick a brand of item that you like over other brands? then that is a choice that you make. it may seem silly, but is the basis on which you could base the rest of your life. do you want to stand in the laundry isle forever, or do you want to make a decision and then move to the chocolate isle. small achievements add up, and with each little win, the next one is easier. take it easy girl, change your user name and get ready for a whole new life! we are behind you!

*Monkey1*, thank you for taking the time to both read these posts and participate in this forum. The point behind BH from a product perspective is to pick up the brand you want to try, find out what you like, and share your experiences on this site so that others may learn about those products (to enhance their shopping experience and product knowledge). I however am not a product off the shelf. Like every person out there and on here, I’m one-of-a-kind. This duck came from a broken home with a very violent father and a very brave mother. My brave mother had other ducks, it just so happened that this duck looked physically different from my sister ducklings, and felt ugly. It took years for me to recognise my physical differences and my intelligence for beauty.

As for my car accident, it took five fire fighters to lift me off the car that hit me. Afterwards, when I was sweating in the bathrooms in my office, hyperventilating, nearly passing out, occasionally vomiting, I didn’t know what the hell was going on with me, other than the fact I couldn’t function. It took several medical professionals to diagnose (let me repeat: *diagnose*) the numerous conditions to which I suffered at that particular time. I’m not looking for pity. I know what I am. It took me two years to physically recuperate to a point where the doctors considered me stable. My PTSD, anxiety and host of other ‘labels’ are still there. They are muted in the background, faded but still seen, but you should know they were professionally diagnosed.

I still have problems being in cars, let alone driving one, but I do still drive, I even bought one a couple of months ago (ironically before I lost my job). I suck it up every time I get in a cab, in a bus, in a car, in a plane, any time the air is confined.

I am also a survivor. I battle my ‘label’ demons daily (some days better than most). My mother saved my life my leaving my father. I saved my own life by choosing to fight rather than being a victim. The things I can physically do now would make most people cringe, because that’s what I challenged myself to do in order to heal. But the mind is different. And so are relationships and those fabulous individuals that do not come in cartons on the shelf in a supermarket with instructions and barcodes.

By creating this forum, by sharing my personal demon and this dilemma with the world, I am choosing a method foreign to many to help me heal. Just because my approach is not the same as yours does not mean I do not have a strength of my own. And my strength, whilst different, my shared experiences, might just help someone else. And if that day comes, then it won’t be a fairy tale. It will be one f#$king fantastic day.

I am really glad you wrote your post. It shows not everyone has the same opinion or perspective and that is really important. Each person approaches their problems differently. And that is the crux of this relationship dilemma I am having with my husband. We approach things differently. We communicate differently. We are both different. In order to work, we need to find common ground.

Thank you for sharing x

Wow, your response is amazing. As a fellow PTSD sufferer I would have SNAPPED, I can be pretty volatile at times, just one fun part of my condition I’m trying desperately to change. Instead you took the time to read her message, understand the good in it, and respond with kindness and appreciation. I am in absolute awe.

Not sure how helpful this is but a friend and former coworker of mine gave me a lot of relationship wisdom in the past. He told me about this book that he said fixed his relationship with his mom. I didn’t personally read it but the idea of the book is that there are five love languages: Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, and Gifts. Everyone speaks at least one of these languages, and it’s how we express our love. With this knowledge my friend realized how his mom expresses love, and how he expresses love, and why they could never get along.
He further told me that the reason many relationships fail is because at the beginning you try and speak all the love languages to make your partner happy. But once you’ve been in the relationship a while you revert back to you natural language(s).
Just some food for thought, I guess.

*Danniro*, I’ve heard of this book but I don’t have the name of it! Do you know it at all?

I think she’s referring to ‘The Five Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman 🙂

I have this book and it is spot on. Sometimes you feel like you’re giving and giving, but what you’re giving isn’t what the other person needs. It’s exhausting and unfulfilling for both of you. In my past relationship the person used to give me lots of material things, but it wasn’t what I wanted – I just wanted quality time. He wanted acts of service – he felt loved when I did things for him – but I had cancer and could never seem to do enough. It just didn’t work. My fiance and I are very much on the same page, and know what means the most to each other – a touch, a kind word, and some “just us” time. It’s less effort for more reward.