9 yrs, 8 mths ago

My Dad is cheating, what should I do?

Sorry this is going to be a bit sad, but I’d really like some help.

I’m at my parents house for a few days while my partner is away, we live together on the other side of town so I don’t see my family often, and this morning my Mum was out at the physio and Dad asked her to pick up lunch. While she was out Dads phone dinged and I assumed it was Mum texting to say ‘what do you want?’ or something so I checked his phone for him (he was outside listening to the radio gardening) I pulled down the notification screen (if that’s what you call it?) and saw that the message was an email saying ‘lady has responded to your priority mail’ (I won’t give away the actual screen name). It was from a website called “Ashley Madison”. I put the phone back and went to talk to my sister to ask her opinion, (I’m 23 she’s 16) she said that it’s most likely spam as Dad is always home (though he often goes away for scrabble tournaments, now I’m wondering if they really are). I also called my partner and he said the same. Now, I’m not proud of this next part, and most of you will say it wasn’t my place but I went through my Dads phone. Upon further investigation, I found not only does he have profile but he’s had one for an entire year. Messages, photos of himself, an entire profile description. I’ve told my partner but haven’t spoken to my sister yet. I’m at a loss, what should I do? Confront my dad? Tell my Mum? She loves him so much and has done so much for him, it would break her heart. Have any of you been in a similar situation? Any advice? Yes, I know I shouldn’t have looked through his phone, but I wanted to be sure and I wasn’t going to do nothing. I could really use some guidance. Thanks.

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Replies

  • 9 yrs, 7 mths ago

    Sorry this is going to be a bit sad, but I’d really like some help.

    I’m at my parents house for a few days while my partner is away, we live together on the other side of town so I don’t see my family often, and this morning my Mum was out at the physio and Dad asked her to pick up lunch. While she was out Dads phone dinged and I assumed it was Mum texting to say ‘what do you want?’ or something so I checked his phone for him (he was outside listening to the radio gardening) I pulled down the notification screen (if that’s what you call it?) and saw that the message was an email saying ‘lady has responded to your priority mail’ (I won’t give away the actual screen name). It was from a website called “Ashley Madison”. I put the phone back and went to talk to my sister to ask her opinion, (I’m 23 she’s 16) she said that it’s most likely spam as Dad is always home (though he often goes away for scrabble tournaments, now I’m wondering if they really are). I also called my partner and he said the same. Now, I’m not proud of this next part, and most of you will say it wasn’t my place but I went through my Dads phone. Upon further investigation, I found not only does he have profile but he’s had one for an entire year. Messages, photos of himself, an entire profile description. I’ve told my partner but haven’t spoken to my sister yet. I’m at a loss, what should I do? Confront my dad? Tell my Mum? She loves him so much and has done so much for him, it would break her heart. Have any of you been in a similar situation? Any advice? Yes, I know I shouldn’t have looked through his phone, but I wanted to be sure and I wasn’t going to do nothing. I could really use some guidance. Thanks.

    Oh Apple3.14, holy s@#t was my first reaction! Second was (3.1415927). Third was sexually transmitted infections!

    There are so many things that can go through the mind. However I am going to put a different spin on things and I hope I don’t completely blow your mind (with the disclaimer being I don’t know the context to which your father’s profile is written). Was the profile and subsequent encounter written for him or for him and your mother? Is that really cheeky? And I do apologise if this offends, truly.

    I have a very diverse circle of friends, a couple of whom are bisexual, one couple who are in an open marriage, and one who is in a relationship with a bisexual man (she is heterosexual). So, these days there are a variety of different sexual relationships depending upon the agreement made between partners. Not to judge, but perhaps this is not what parents want to share with their children.

    Open confrontation might not necessarily fly. Hey, there are a few of us with initial shocking reactions out of places of complete concern. Some people like to flirt with danger. However, as Chicklet has surmised, he’s already dived deep into the pocket with a paid subscription so it’s more of just an electronic flirt. Perhaps asking him if things are okay between your parents (could you dig a little more, perhaps help your mum with the financials?) before going right to the guts of things. Just know it’s not your or your sister’s fault.

    e-hugs x

  • 9 yrs, 7 mths ago

    @Apple pi, Sounds like you have had some time to think this through and assess it on many different levels. If yo do see a counsellor it may be a great way to help you through this and provide some extra support and strategies to help. Hoping for a positive resolution for you all, stay strong and take care.

  • 9 yrs, 8 mths ago

    Ashley Madison is a site specifically for married people looking for extramarital affairs, so it is a particularly nasty one, with people who have one thing in mind – cheating. The fact that he has sent a priority message indicates that he has an upgraded, paid for, full account, which is not good (you’ve set me off snooping about the site – I’ll probably end up in trouble with my husband now if he looks at my browsing history!).

    I would speak to your dad directly. Let him know you have seen his profile. He will be surprised, and probably defensive, but it will give him the opportunity to rectify his behaviour without necessarily destroying the marriage. Hopefully, nothing has advanced beyond online – although it’s still not right, perhaps he’s just been dipping his toe in an online fantasy world rather than having advanced to any physical contact.

    I would leave it in his court to decide whether he speaks to your mum, but I wouldn’t say anything myself to her.

    (That said, I would actually take a screenshot of his profile, as if he has any sense he will delete his account immediately.)

    That’s horrible to have to live through. I feel sorry for u. I don’t have anything to add to it that hasn’t been already said.
    I really like the suggestion of going with him on his next tournament for bonding.
    Chicklet, u should become an investigator if u aren’t already.

  • 9 yrs, 8 mths ago

    This must be awful. I would confront your dad first, get his side of the story, if you tell your mum she will be heart broken. maybe by speaking to your dad and letting him know you know what is going on then it may be so confronting that he will freak out and stop doing it.

  • 9 yrs, 8 mths ago

    This must be awful. I would confront your dad first, get his side of the story, if you tell your mum she will be heart broken. maybe by speaking to your dad and letting him know you know what is going on then it may be so confronting that he will freak out and stop doing it.

  • 9 yrs, 8 mths ago

    Oh, I feel for you. You have been given some excellent advice. I too think it important to take one step at a time. I believe you are ready to speak directly to your Dad (I can understand it was difficult for you when you were leaving your family home) and the sooner the better for your sake. I don’t think you need to make any suggestions about counselling etc until you hear his response. Once you hear what he has to say, then let us know in the forum and we can offer you the next steps to follow. The fact that he doesn’t work anymore may be a clue in that he is bored and just checking things out on the web. It may simply be that and nothing more. For your sake, please do speak to your Dad as soon as you can. Take care of yourself in the meantime and do not beat yourself up about this.

  • 9 yrs, 8 mths ago

    Thank you all so much for your replies and support, it means a lot right now. As most of you suggested, I did get evidence, screenshots of his profile and some messages. Though from what I can tell he hasn’t had any contact with anyone, just saying ‘hello’ sort of thing. Though I don’t know if he has before and just deleted it… I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to my sister again either, I don’t want to ruin her relationship with Dad (as imalittleteapot suggested) they are very close. So have I confronted him? I had a chance to, when I was leaving he was saying goodbye, I said ‘Dad’ about three times but he didn’t hear me, or didn’t want to hear what I had to say, but my heart was beating so much I was so scared, I didn’t say anything in the end. My partner thinks my dad isn’t the type to cheat but then again, from stories you’ve all told me it’s hard to say, he’s always home, doesn’t work anymore, still brings Mum tea in bed every morning and works around the house. I think my best option from here is to confront him about it, and suggest counselling. I think this is my best option, though I am tempted to get a cheap phone and sending an anonymous text saying “I know”, it might not be the best way to go about it. Thanks again for all your advice and help, I’ll also be seeking out some counselling of my own too!

  • 9 yrs, 8 mths ago

    Whoa! A very tricky situation. You’re absolutely positively certain? I’m not sure what I would do, but, I have a friend who just found out her husb of nearly ten years has been cheating for the last four and she is absolutely devastated and broken by it. Your dad is not just cheating on your mum, he is cheating on you and your sister too, by living this double life. I was always told, don’t do anything your children would not be proud of you for.

    So, do you tell and watch your mum go through the heartache that follows, and a potential family breakdown? Or do you carry this awful secret around so your mum remains in a kind of “ignorant bliss” but then you’re a party to the lies and also betraying your mum’s trust.

    If it were me, I’d consider confronting my dad first, give him an ultimatum (“tell Mum, or I will”), but not sure what would happen next. I know it’s not happening to you as such (well, not directly, anyway) but have you thought of seeking some advice/counselling first? Try Relationships Australia (google the name, it’ll come up). They have lots of advice on their website.

    I believe honesty is the best, even when honesty is not want you want to say to, or have heard by someone you love.

    Best wishes.

  • 9 yrs, 8 mths ago

    Apple, my heart breaks for you, that is so so sad and i am so sorry, it must be awful for you right now. Hey dont feel guilty for checking his phone, he is your dad and you wanted to check to see if it were your mum texting, no harm in that. If it were me i would confront your father about it, no doubt he will deny it, my best friend is a private investigator and the amount of people who get caught and still deny it is outrageous. I dont want to talk about me here, but once upon a time my ex partner was cheating on me and my good friend knew about it and didnt tell me, i till today could never forgive her for it, i know she didnt want to tell me because she didnt want to hurt me, but what about loyalty, trust and intergrity, it hurt knowing i was last to know.

    I am sure you love your mother so much and want whats best for her, but if your father is having affairs behind her back then she needs to know the TRUE man she is married too.

    Good luck, be strong xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • 9 yrs, 8 mths ago

    Apple, I can’t even begin to understand how difficult this must be for you. You’ve been given excellent advice – I only have one thing to add – how would your Mum feel if you didn’t tell her and she found out later? Wives don’t always know. A friend had NO IDEA her husband was cheating until she came home much earlier than she was meant to to find him packing – he was planning to leave without telling her.

    Don’t beat yourself up about checking your Dad’s phone. I honestly think you’ve done the right thing. This isn’t your mistake and as awful as it is for you, don’t blame yourself in any way for what has happened or the outcome. Do take care.

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